I think this is the most confusing season I have been through thus far. I think that this time in my life is full of pain and suffering. Full of confusion and anger. But this time is also one of peace, healing, and restoration. I don’t even know what to say to you. I don’t know how to start this letter. I don’t know how to end this letter. I am so angry about what you did to me. I hate to sugarcoat it. Because it’s not something to sugarcoat. You raped me. You took advantage of my vulnerability as a child. Because of your actions, I am afraid to be vulnerable with men. Because of your actions, I don’t know how to love myself. I don’t know how to care for myself. You have controlled the majority of my life by crippling me with this secret. This is the root to EVERYTHING that is wrong with me. It’s why I eat too much. It’s why I have never brought home a boyfriend. I have been missing out on so much of my life by protecting you. Because I am merciful. That is a gift that the Lord gave me. He has given me the gift of empathy. And I have been protecting you all this time! And I’m done. I need to give myself mercy and be compassionate with myself. It’s time to take care of myself because I haven’t been taken care of in such a long time. I’m not letting you control me anymore. I want my control back. I can’t control what happened to me. I need to start protecting myself. I need to build up my self worth. Self worth that you took away from me, every single time you violated me. I want to hate you. I do. But somehow, I don’t. When I see you, I can’t pretend that nothing happened. But I can’t ignore you, either. Though you admitted it, which is something you’ve never been able to do about anything else, you haven’t repented. You haven’t asked for forgiveness. My prayer and plea is not that you ask me for forgiveness, but that you ask the Lord for forgiveness. I pray that you repent for everything you’ve done to me. In the end, you’re not answering to me. I am not letting YOU ruin my life anymore. I’ve had it. It took 15 years for me to get here, and I’m not going back to that darkness. I am not going to be encapsulated by that life, anymore. I am not going to wear this mask I’ve worn for years. This plastic identity. The later years of my life will be the greater years. And I have to claim this now. Dad, I pity you. Truly, I do. I think you have so many demons in your heart and so many issues to address. I know you will not address them. Not in this life, anyway. I don’t know what happened to you as a child, but I am almost sure that someone violated you as well. I think this is why you have never told me about your childhood and get testy when your sister tells me about your past. I will continue to pray for you. At this point in my journey, that’s all I can do. I will boldly ask the Lord to enter your heart and just rule over it. I boldly pray that the Lord convicts you to get down on your knees and ask for forgiveness. I have no regrets in my life. Not even what you did to me. I’m not going to thank you for it. But I am going to rise above it. You’re human. You’re weak. You’re a sinner. I am, too. I just have to thank God that He is everything you are not. And he can provide the love that you never could.
Be well, ********